Unintelligent Design

While The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster do flirt with the idea of Unintelligent Design (or UD), their position is one of being part of the Intelligent Design movement. Obviously, their devotion to FSM is deserving of our respect, but does not entirely compensate for what is a gross theological error.

Did he require an perfect designer? I don't think so.

The theory of Intelligent Design rests on the premise that the world and its inhabitants are far too complicated to have come into being by chance, and therefore necessitate a perfect creator to explain their existence. Clearly, there is some truth in this. The world and the multitude of organisms that reside here are too complicated to have just fallen into place on their own. I shall not waste any time on the ridiculous claims of evolutionism. However, simply by observing the world around us we can identify the flaws in the Intelligent Design theory. Are you perfect? Does your existence require a perfect designer? Of course not.

Is this why we have an appendix?

In fact we and everything around us are riddled with imperfections, a testament to the decidedly unintelligent manner in which we were created. This could be because FSM was drunk, a possibility made considerably more understandable by the existence of a celestial beer volcano. It is perhaps a safer assumption to attribute this imperfection to FSM's ineptitude. After all, why would a perfect god create us? Only a divine being with the notable imperfection that is morbid curiosity would create a planet only to watch it be slowly destroyed. So there you have it: FSM isn't perfect, but that's okay. Nobody likes perfect people anyway, so why should it be any different for ethereal beings? He did an alright job in making us, and for that we should be thankful. Just don't bother him too much, he really isn't that fussed.

The Evidence

For those of you who are not immediately convinced by thoughts of your own blatant imperfection, here I will provide some examples of the notable design flaws present in the human race that you clearly lack the intelligence to identify by yourselves. I present to you, Mr. and Mrs. H. Sparrowism (the H is for hypothetical).

Mr. and Mrs. Sparrowism love each other very much. They don't actually like children, but in the heat of the moment they run the risk of conception by choosing to copulate without a condom. Unfortunately, one of Mrs. Sparrowism's ova is fertilised. In addition to the prospect of looking after a baby, there is the possibility that the ovum may implant into the fallopian tube, cervix or ovary, rather than the uterus, causing an ectopic pregnancy. Prior to modern surgical procedures this would have resulted in the death of both mother and child, leaving Mr. Sparrowism blissfully childless, yet simultaneously unfortunately wifeless.

Mr. Sparrowism is generally happy to hear that the pregnancy is of the uterine variety. However, the problems do not end there. Both Mr. and Mrs. Sparrowism have unusually large heads, and quite naturally they suffered terribly at school because of this. In fact, it was this shared trauma that brought them together in the first place. The combination of such large-headed DNA inevitably results in a child of equal, if not superior, grand-skullery. This is too much for the human pelvis and the Sparrowisms are forced to opt for a caesarean section, thereby ruining the tattoo of a butterfly that Mrs. Sparrowism got in Morocco.

As if it isn't bad enough that Mrs. Sparrowism is riddled with design flaws, Mr. Sparrowism is no better. As a consequence of his testes developing in the abdomen and later migrating through the abdominal wall into the scrotum, he has two weak points in his abdominal wall where hernias can form. Furthermore, his urethra passes through the prostate gland, which is prone to infection and subsequent enlargement. The urethra, being a collapsible tube, is consequently blocked off. The only consolation available to Mr. Sparrowism as he writhes around on the floor, his intestines protruding through the inguinal canal and his powers of urination cruelly taken away, is that many other men besides him, perhaps men who made fun of his head, face a similar fate.

And when all this is forgotten, there is still the threat of appendicitis, a consequence of the quite unnecessary appendix; the irritation of wisdom teeth, better suited to a larger jaw; the existence of the pharynx, a passage used for both ingestion and respiration, with the consequent drastic increase in the risk of choking; the common malformation of the human spinal column, leading to scoliosis, sciatica and congenital misalignment of the vertebrae; the embarrassment caused by the apocrine sweat glands in the armpits, which secrete proteins and lipids resulting in unpleasant odour when they are digested by bacteria; the inconvenience of a blind spot, caused by the poor arrangement of the nerves and blood vessels in the retina; and the sheer frustration of knowing that the recurrent laryngeal nerve travels from the brain to the larynx via the aortic arch - a quite ridiculous demonstration of poor efficiency.

In case you're not yet 100% convinced, there are also many examples of unintelligent design in the world, such as;

1. The Duck-Billed Platypus. Its hard to say why any Intelligent Designer would sew a duck's beak onto a beaver.

2. Asexual Reproduction. Some creatures reproduce through an act considered so wonderful that it motivates 90% of their lives. Some creatures don't bother with this act, and just reproduce. Some creatures, like the Llama, reproduce by sitting down very close to a mate for 40 minutes without moving. Not intelligent.

3. The Sloth. Young sloths are so malco-ordinated that they occasionally grab their own limbs instead of tree branches, and thus fall to the ground. This might have been intelligent, but proof that it is not is that there are no videos of it on YouTube.

4. The Appendix. It can kill you, and it contributes nothing to your life. Fantastic.

5. People who voted George Bush into office twice. Yep.

6. The Dodo. It had plenty of time to work out a way not to be shot by Portugese sailors. It never managed it.