Pirates

It is important here to make clear what we mean by piracy. The good name of piracy has taken a fair battering over the years, not least recently. What was once a shining example of humour, charity and sensible environmental planning has become muddied by a succession of underhand tactics. First and foremost it is important to defend the reputation of the pirates of Captain Jack Sparrow's day. Advocates of freedom, both in action and thought, and devoted followers of FSM, they were unsurprisingly resented by the establishment. In attempt to damage their reputation, the Christians used propaganda to associate them with those seaborne menaces of old, to whom the name of piracy has consequently been attached. As a result, the pirates were spoken of in the same breath as the vikings and so many other unsavoury peoples. The actions of modern day “pirates” in speedboats with machine guns has only served to reinforce this connection. More recently the name of piracy has sunk even lower through its attachment to the practice of copyright infringement. To avoid confusion, such people who have either masqueraded under the name of piracy or had it wrongly thrust upon them will be referred to as pseudo-pirates. We have no wish to associate with such people and only hope that through our own actions the name of piracy will be recovered from infamy after so many years.

The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster tells us that pirates are divine beings. Obviously this is not true. The only pirate worthy of any claim to divinity is Captain Jack Sparrow himself. However, FSM sent Captain Jack Sparrow as an example not of divinity, but of a proper mortal life. It is crucial that the ways of piracy are attainable by all of us, rather than simply acting as a beacon, basking us in noodly light from out of reach. We all have a duty to lead piratic lives, and the decline in such standards is evident in the world around us. A key aspect of this decline is climate change, an issue raised by The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Bobby Henderson uses a graph to illustrate the correlation between the decline in pirate numbers and rise in global temperatures. Here it is:

Much has been said about this graph, not least that it is a plainly daft way of drawing a graph. A much more sensible alternative would be:

Regardless of the manner in which this information is presented (although ours is distinctly the more noodly), the issue again brings us back to divinity. The implication coming from The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is that it is owing to their supernatural powers that pirates are able to stem global warming. While the role of piracy in influencing climate change is evident, it must be emphasised that our role is practical rather than divine. The old pirates were at one with nature and took great care to look after their surroundings. It is for this reason that a decline in piracy has led to environmental problems. Furthermore, it is significant that Bobby Henderson's graph may well take into account pseudo-pirates who could not wield a positive influence, be it through activism or the supernatural.